Lets be entirely honest with ourselves: modern life is an elaborate scam. We are expected to wake up before the sun, look at glowing rectangles for eight to ten hours, pay taxes, remember password updates and somehow maintain a pleasant disposition. It is an exhausting, unnatural cycle of events.
Fortunately humanity has developed a brilliant three-tiered defense mechanism against the crushing weight of existence. No! It does not involve morning runs, yoga, meditation retreats, expensive travels or green smoothies.
Instead, it relies on a sacred, life-saving triad: Coffee, Cake, and Company.
Separately they are enjoyable vices. Combined they form an impenetrable shield of sanity that keeps us from completely losing our minds. Here is my strictly unverified scientific breakdown of why these three things are absolute non-negotiables in life.
Coffee: The Performance Enhancing Drug for Being a PERSON
No one is naturally born ready to face a Monday. Left to our own devices, humans are aggressive, territorial primates who want nothing more than to wrap themselves in a comforter/duvet and grunt at intruders.
ENTER COFFEE
Without Coffee, civilisations would crumble in days. With it however we can look at an absolutely devastated HOME and WORK situation and think, “Fine! Lets do this” – no individuals hurt 🙂
Cake: The Ultimate Distraction from Existential Dread
If coffee is the engine that drives us forward, cake is the emergency break that stops us from driving off a cliff.
Life is constantly throwing minor inconveniences and major crises at you. Your toddler has spilled all the milk, your tween is constantly playing games, your boss needs everything ASAP, your home is under a pile of clothes and you forgot which ones are washed and which ones aren’t , add to this the weather is miserable and the news is terrifying. You cannot solve this instantly. But YOU can a buy a slice of Red Velvet or a Dark Chocolate.
Nobody has ever eaten a slice of chocolate fudge and thought about their pension plan. It is physically impossible. Cake forces you into the absolute present because a) your brain is completely occupied by frosting and there is no place for b)
Believe me you, it is the most cost effective form of therapy available in the market. It demand nothing from you except a fork and a momentary (if existing) suspension of fitness goals.
Company: The chosen weirdos who tolerate you.
Human beings are told we are social creatures, but that in my opinion is a massive generalization. Most people are exhausting. The true magic of life isn’t just “PEOPLE”- it is finding your specific, curated company.
True company means tracking down the exact group of humans whose specific brand of psychological chaos perfectly aligns with yours. These are the people you can sit with complete comfortable silence or raise an absolute hell of a noise.
True friends don’t judge you when you share that one uncomfortable awkward story of your life, instead they find that small hilarious angle to it and make you laugh at your woes. They are the audience for your complaints and co conspirators of the ruckus you unconsciously create at your homes. They will chose death before discarding your bad decisions and insensitive and validate them with reasons so at the end of the day you somehow end up feeling proud of them.
The Danger of Splitting the Trinity
Like any good superhero team, the elements of Trinity must never be separated. If you isolate them, the system breaks down catastrophically:
COFFEE ALONE: You become highly focused, vibrating ball of pure anxiety
CAKE ALONE: You fall into a profound sugar coma by 2:00pm. You are happy but you feel bloated and are effectively a human mattress.
COMPANY ALONE: This requires too much unmediated social effort. Without refreshments, you are just staring at each others faces which leads to awkward silences and panicking about what to do with your hands.
THE VERDICT
The next time you feel overwhelmed by the sheer burden of being alive, do not fight it and do not absolutely download another productivity app.
Instead, send a text to your favourite people, locate a bakery or threaten your baker friend to make cake of you and brew a fresh cup of steaming hot filter coffee.
Sit down, complain bitterly about your week, eat the load of sugar and let the holy trinity do its job.
After all, the world is chaotic- but as long as there is coffee, cake and company, we are just going to be fine. 🙂
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